Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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