highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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