My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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