I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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