I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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