She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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