I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
