Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
