you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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