ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize