wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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