I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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