i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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