i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
