I wish I only lived at night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
