i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
