she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
