I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
