Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
