I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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