half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
