meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
40s are totally the cure
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
