On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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