I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Semen is not good for contacts.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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