I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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