guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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