I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize