Who wears a wallet chain?!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
