Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize