my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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