I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
