Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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