Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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