I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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