Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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