sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
