While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
