Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize