wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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