I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
