I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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