my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize