I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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