I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
