I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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