you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize