So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
