TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
