im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
