So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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