Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
