i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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