I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
