If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just high enough for therapy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize