Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
