my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
