Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
