I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
