Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
