areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
